In the latest twist of sports outrage, retired swimmers Riley Gaines and Sharron Davies have launched an all-out verbal cannonball at the NCAA and a transgender rower, accusing them of “gender deception” — a term that now apparently requires less proof than an online horoscope.
The controversy began when an anonymous transgender athlete competed in an NCAA rowing event, prompting Gaines and Davies to leap into action faster than they ever did from starting blocks. The duo, both self-appointed guardians of biological fairness, immediately accused the athlete and the NCAA of orchestrating what they describe as “the greatest deception since Milli Vanilli.”
“This is nothing short of fraud,” declared Gaines at a press conference held at her local gym, where protein shakes were mandatory and nuance was strictly prohibited. “How dare the NCAA allow people to identify in ways I personally disapprove of? It’s not fair, and I know fairness because I own several trophies.”
Davies, not one to miss an opportunity to wade into cultural waters, joined the outcry via a tweetstorm, suggesting future athletes should undergo live DNA testing before each race. “If it works for crime shows, it can work for sports,” she posted, tagging the FBI and, oddly, Dr. Phil.
The NCAA, clearly tired of explaining the complexities of gender identity to anyone with a Twitter account, responded with their usual mix of legalese and patience. “Our policies are based on current science, expert consensus, and an understanding that humans are slightly more complicated than a bathroom sign.”
Still, Gaines and Davies remain unconvinced. Reports suggest the two are now co-authoring a new handbook titled How to Spot Gender Deception: A Guide for People Who Definitely Passed High School Biology.
Meanwhile, the transgender rower in question has declined to comment, mostly because they were too busy training for the next race — which, to the horror of internet commenters everywhere, they might win fair and square.
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