Breaking: Riley Gaines and Candace Owens Join Forces To Destroy Whoopi Goldberg, ‘She’s Too Toxic’
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the entertainment and political worlds, conservative icons Riley Gaines and Candace Owens have officially declared war on Whoopi Goldberg, citing her “extreme levels of toxicity.”
“We’re not saying she’s dangerous in a nuclear waste kind of way,” Gaines clarified in a press conference. “But we are strongly suggesting that prolonged exposure to Whoopi has been linked to excessive eye-rolling, headaches, and an irrational urge to throw your TV out the window.”
A Unified Conservative Front
The alliance between Gaines, a former NCAA swimmer turned activist, and Owens, a political commentator known for her fiery takes, came after what they called “one too many Whoopi rants.” Sources close to the duo say that the final straw came when Goldberg recently suggested that biological males could play women’s sports “as long as they try real hard.”
“That’s it,” Owens reportedly said while slamming her desk. “We’ve let this slide for too long. It’s time to put an end to Whoopi’s reign of nonsense.”
The Plan: Tactical Cancellation?
Though their exact strategy remains unclear, insiders say that Gaines and Owens have devised a three-phase plan to neutralize Whoopi’s influence:
1. Challenge Her to a Debate She Can’t Win – Owens has proposed a televised “Whoopi vs. Facts” debate, where Goldberg will be forced to either defend her opinions with logic or storm off The View mid-sentence. Vegas oddsmakers currently predict the latter.
2. Introduce The ‘Whoopi Accountability Act’ – Gaines is working with conservative lawmakers to draft legislation that would fine television networks for excessive Whoopi-based content. If passed, ABC could be forced to pay billions in back fines, potentially ending The View once and for all.
3. Whoopi Detox Kits – As a last resort, the duo is developing an anti-Whoopi wellness kit, featuring noise-canceling headphones, a copy of The Federalist Papers, and a bottle of aspirin for those suffering from “Goldberg-induced migraines.”
Whoopi’s Response: ‘I Literally Don’t Care’
When asked about the brewing feud, Goldberg shrugged and muttered, “These people again? Whatever.”
However, sources inside The View report that producers are preparing a “Special Emergency Episode” where Whoopi will angrily sip coffee and make vague accusations of racism for a full hour.
Meanwhile, political analysts warn that if the feud escalates, it could lead to the most devastating cultural clash since Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift.
Stay tuned for updates.
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