Dolly Parton Declares “2 Genders, 1 Flag, 0 Apologies”—Patriotism Levels Reach Critical Mass
NASHVILLE, TN — Country music legend Dolly Parton sent shockwaves through the nation this week with a bold declaration: “2 genders, 1 flag, 0 apologies—AMERICA is back!” Experts say this statement has single-handedly revived patriotism, cured inflation, and caused bald eagles to multiply at an alarming rate.
Witnesses report that upon hearing Dolly’s words, thousands of people spontaneously stood up, placed their hands over their hearts, and recited the Pledge of Allegiance in perfect unison—despite no one prompting them to do so.
However, not everyone was thrilled. Scientists were seen nervously adjusting their glasses, whispering, “But… but chromosomes are complicated,” while sociology professors across the country immediately fainted onto their copies of The Communist Manifesto.
In Washington, D.C., President Joe Biden was reportedly so shocked by Parton’s statement that he briefly forgot what decade it was. Meanwhile, former President Donald Trump called the message “the most beautiful, the most American thing anyone has ever said” before hinting that he might name Dolly his running mate.
Big corporations scrambled to adjust. Starbucks announced a new “No Apologies Americano”, Bud Light attempted to win back conservative drinkers with a “Two Genders Lager”, and Walmart introduced flag-themed gender reveal fireworks that explode into either blue or pink while blasting “God Bless the U.S.A.”
In response to the controversy, Dolly remained unfazed, simply saying, “Well, bless their hearts”—a phrase so powerful that sociologists warn it could permanently neutralize outrage if overused.
At press time, Mount Rushmore had mysteriously started forming a fifth face—one that bore an uncanny resemblance to Dolly Parton herself.
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