NASHVILLE, TN — Chaos erupted in the country music universe this week as 81-year-old country music legend Ronnie Milsap emerged from semi-retirement to issue a public “boot-scootin’ rebuke” of Beyoncé’s foray into country music.
Standing on the front porch of an unidentified Cracker Barrel, Milsap addressed a crowd of seven confused tourists and a possum, delivering an impassioned speech about the “sacred traditions of country music” between bites of biscuit.
“Country music,” Milsap bellowed, “is about heartbreak, pickup trucks, and the occasional whiskey-fueled existential crisis—not glittery bodysuits, smoke machines, and lyrics that sound like they were stolen from a biker bar restroom.”
Beyoncé, who recently released a country-inspired album titled Cowboy Crunk: Yeehaw & Yoncé, has been praised by fans for “bringing country into the 21st century” and “making line dancing sexy again.” Milsap was less enthusiastic.
“She’s out here turning honky-tonks into Coachella,” said Milsap, adjusting his rhinestone-studded cowboy hat. “I ain’t seen that many sequins since Dolly sneezed at the Opry in ’83.”
Sources close to Beyoncé report that the superstar was unfazed by Milsap’s comments, allegedly replying, “Bless his heart,” which, according to Southern translators, means “I’ll destroy him gently.”
Meanwhile, other country stars have weighed in, with Willie Nelson offering a mellow shrug and muttering something about “letting the music be free,” while Kid Rock was last seen launching himself into a vat of Bud Light in protest, again, for some reason.
At press time, Milsap was reportedly working on a new track called “Get That Glitter Off My Tractor (Before My Dog Leaves Me Again).”
Leave a Reply