In a bold move that’s part espresso, part Expendables, action movie icon Sylvester Stallone has announced the launch of a nationwide chain of “anti-woke” coffee shops aimed at dethroning what he calls the “soy-latte empire of Starbucks.”
The new franchise, titled “Sly Bean: Real Coffee for Real Americans”, promises “no pronouns, no pumpkin spice, and definitely no decaf.” The first location is set to open in Texas, naturally, inside a retired Gold’s Gym and decorated entirely in American flags and 1980s workout posters.
“I just got tired of ordering a coffee and getting a lecture,” Stallone growled during the press conference, sipping what appeared to be a quadruple shot of espresso served in a shot glass carved from a dumbbell. “I wanted a place where a man can grunt, order black coffee, and not be asked his feelings about oat milk.”
Menu items at Sly Bean include:
• “Rambo Roast” — a dark roast served with a cigar on the side.
• “Rocky’s Raw Shot” — unfiltered espresso served in a boxing glove.
• “The Demolition Macchiato” — strong enough to rebuild society after political correctness.
The chain will also feature Freedom Wi-Fi, which blocks all websites except protein powder stores and vintage Joe Rogan episodes.
In response, Starbucks released a carefully-worded statement that simply read: “We wish Mr. Stallone all the best in his caffeinated pursuits.” They also quietly removed the phrase “coffee is for everyone” from their napkins, just in case.
Meanwhile, rumors swirl that Chuck Norris is planning a rival chain called “AmeriBrews”, where the coffee is so strong, it brews you.
When asked what makes his shop different, Stallone replied: “You don’t need safe spaces when your coffee punches you in the soul.”
Grand opening scheduled for next week. BYOB: Bring Your Own Biceps.
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