In a bold move to unite the country by dividing it further, Kid Rock and Blake Shelton have announced their upcoming “No-Woke Red States Tour,” promising a concert experience free from “cancel culture, soy lattes, and electric vehicles.”
The duo insists that attendees must pass a “Common Sense Test” at the door, which reportedly includes questions like:
✅ “Is Bud Light still on your grocery list?”
✅ “Do you know the lyrics to ‘Born Free’ by heart?”
✅ “Can you start a BBQ with just a lighter and pure American determination?”
While the tour is advertised as “No Woke Allowed,” sources close to Shelton admit he’s been quietly Googling what “woke” actually means. Meanwhile, Kid Rock has promised to perform from atop a lifted F-150, adding, “If you don’t hear a single truck rev during this concert, you’re in the wrong crowd.”
Pre-sales for the tour have already surpassed expectations, with an overwhelming demand in states where the number of gun stores outnumbers Starbucks. However, attempts to book a California date resulted in the band’s email bouncing back with an auto-reply that simply read “Nice try.”
Tickets are selling fast—secure yours now before the tour sells out or gets sued!
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