BREAKING: Riley Gaines Personally Bans Lia Thomas from Women’s Sports

BREAKING: Riley Gaines Personally Bans Lia Thomas from Women’s Sports—Prints Own Rulebook

Satire News:

In a stunning display of power usually reserved for NCAA officials and frustrated dads at Little League games, former NCAA swimmer Riley Gaines has taken matters into her own hands—personally banning transgender swimmer Lia Thomas from women’s sports.

According to reports, Gaines showed up at an NCAA headquarters unannounced, armed with a homemade “Official Rulebook of Fairness” printed on copy paper from her home office. Witnesses say she slammed it on the receptionist’s desk and declared, “This is the law now!”

While security was unsure what to do, Gaines reportedly took things a step further by mailing a formal cease-and-desist letter to Lia Thomas, written in all caps for emphasis. The letter allegedly stated:

“YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM WOMEN’S SPORTS. I HAVE DECIDED. THIS IS FINAL. NO APPEALS. ALSO, RETURN ANY TROPHIES IMMEDIATELY.”

“Who Needs the NCAA When You Have Me?”

Gaines, who has recently turned her grievances into a full-time career, explained her decision in an emergency press conference held in her backyard. Standing in front of a whiteboard with “MY LEAGUE, MY RULES” written in red marker, she clarified:

“I looked around and realized, why wait for the NCAA to do something when I can just do it myself? They keep telling me I don’t have the authority—so I just took it!”

Reporters asked if she had consulted any governing body before making the decision. Gaines responded, “No, but I did run this by my uncle, who has a strong opinion on Facebook, so I feel pretty confident.”

Lia Thomas Responds

Upon hearing the news of her one-woman ban, Lia Thomas reportedly reacted with a mix of confusion and amusement. Sources say she read the letter twice before asking, “Wait… does she even work for the NCAA?”

Thomas later addressed the controversy on social media, tweeting:

“Did Riley just declare herself the Commissioner of All Sports? Or is this a new Netflix series I wasn’t aware of?”

Fans were quick to chime in, with one user commenting, “At this point, Riley Gaines has spent more time talking about Lia Thomas than competing against her.”

The Riley Gaines League?

Insiders suggest that Gaines may not stop at banning Thomas—she could be starting her own sports league. Sources close to Gaines say she’s already designing team uniforms, sketching out new fairness policies, and looking for sponsors willing to slap their name on a league built entirely on one personal grudge.

Nike has reportedly passed, but MyPillow and Bass Pro Shops are considering offers.

As of now, no official sports organizations have recognized Gaines’ ruling, but she remains undeterred. “I don’t need their approval. I have Twitter and a Sharpie,” she declared proudly.

While it remains unclear whether her ban has any legal weight, one thing is certain—this is the most attention NCAA swimming has gotten in years.