BRISTOL, CT—ESPN shocked the sports world this week by announcing it had severed ties with former U.S. Women’s National Team star Megan Rapinoe, citing her “anti-American” views. In an official statement, ESPN executives declared they could no longer employ someone who “disrespects the flag, apple pie, and the sacred institution of football commercials featuring pickup trucks driving through mud.”
“We at ESPN believe in patriotism, fair play, and unwavering devotion to America,” said network spokesperson Chad McFreedom. “Unfortunately, Megan Rapinoe has made it clear through her actions—like kneeling during the national anthem and having a suspiciously European-sounding last name—that she does not share those values.”
Enter the Bald Eagle
To ensure ESPN maintains its commitment to true American values, the network announced Rapinoe’s replacement: a bald eagle named “Liberty Maximus.” The bird, who will reportedly wear aviator sunglasses and an American flag bandana at all times, will provide analysis on key sporting events, including the Super Bowl, World Series, and Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.
“Liberty Maximus embodies everything ESPN stands for,” said McFreedom. “He’s strong, proud, and doesn’t even acknowledge Canada exists. Plus, he squawks every time we say the words ‘freedom,’ ‘grit,’ or ‘blue-collar work ethic,’ which makes for excellent television.”
Patriotic Pundits Applaud the Move
The decision to cut ties with Rapinoe has been met with praise from conservative sports commentators. Fox News personality Tucker Ballgame called it “a win for real Americans who love their country and hate people who think for themselves.”
“If you don’t love everything about America unconditionally, you don’t deserve to be on television,” Ballgame said during a monologue titled Why Freedom of Speech Is Un-American If I Disagree With It. “Megan Rapinoe thinks she can play soccer and have opinions? That’s not what our Founding Fathers fought for!”
Former NFL quarterback and current professional Facebook commenter Brett Flagston also chimed in, posting, “Finally, ESPN making moves in the right direction! Sports should be about sports—not about bringing attention to real issues that make me uncomfortable.”
Rapinoe Responds
For her part, Rapinoe seemed unfazed by the firing. In a statement posted on her Instagram, she wrote:
“I’d like to thank ESPN for reminding me that corporate media will always prioritize profit over principles. If refusing to blindly worship symbols makes me ‘anti-American,’ then so be it. I’ll continue standing (or kneeling) for what I believe in. Also, replacing me with an actual bird is hilarious.”
Rapinoe also announced that she had received multiple job offers from other media outlets, including NPR, The Daily Show, and a mysterious startup called “Woke Sports Network,” which plans to air only women’s sports and reruns of Colin Kaepernick’s highlights on a 24/7 loop.
ESPN Doubles Down
Despite the backlash, ESPN is standing firm in its decision. The network is reportedly working on additional “pro-America” programming, including:
• Monday Night Truck Racing: Two hours of monster trucks crushing European cars.
• The Pledge of Allegiance Halftime Show: A 15-minute live reading of the Declaration of Independence by Clint Eastwood.
• Are You Smarter Than a Founding Father?: Contestants attempt to explain TikTok to Thomas Jefferson’s ghost.
Meanwhile, Liberty Maximus is already becoming a fan favorite. Sources inside ESPN claim the eagle has been given a five-year, $20 million contract and his own pre-game segment, Liberty’s Take, where he aggressively pecks at pictures of athletes who have ever been seen drinking lattes.
“We’re proud to embrace real American values,” McFreedom concluded. “And nothing screams ‘patriotism’ like a bird trained to attack anyone who criticizes the military-industrial complex.”
At press time, Liberty Maximus had reportedly flown away from the ESPN studio and was last seen attacking a French bakery in downtown Bristol.
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