Breaking: The Collegiate Athletes’ Hall of Fame to Omit Lia Thomas’ Wins, Titles, and Records from Recognition—Because, Uh, Reasons
In a move that will surely go down as one of the most courageously spineless acts in collegiate sports history, the Collegiate Athletes’ Hall of Fame has announced that it will be omitting Lia Thomas’ wins, titles, and records from recognition. The decision comes as part of a broader initiative to ensure that the Hall remains a safe space for only the right kind of champions—namely, those whose victories are less controversial, less political, and, if at all possible, less female.
“This is not about politics,” said one anonymous Hall official while adjusting his flag lapel pin and subtly liking a tweet about the sanctity of women’s sports. “This is about preserving the integrity of collegiate athletics.” Indeed, nothing says “integrity” quite like erasing someone’s achievements because they make a few people uncomfortable.
Lia Thomas, a transgender swimmer who shattered records during her time in NCAA competition, had the audacity to excel in a sport that, until recently, was only subject to controversy when a college football coach got caught in a recruiting scandal. The decision to scrub her accomplishments from the Hall of Fame is being framed as a necessary correction, much like how history books sometimes forget to mention certain inconvenient events.
“Look, we’re not saying she didn’t compete,” clarified another official. “We’re just saying we won’t acknowledge it. It’s kind of like how your uncle ‘doesn’t talk about’ your cousin who moved to California and got really into veganism. It’s not personal. It’s just… easier this way.”
In a public statement, the Hall of Fame insisted that this move was about fairness, and absolutely not about bending to external pressure. “We honor athletic excellence, and we are committed to upholding the values of competition, dedication, and achievement,” the statement read, while simultaneously deleting an entire chapter of swimming history from its records.
Meanwhile, experts in collegiate athletics and sports history were quick to point out that this decision fits perfectly within the time-honored tradition of rewriting the past whenever it becomes too inconvenient. “This is hardly the first time a major institution has tried to curate reality,” said Dr. Lisa Porter, a sports historian. “There’s a long history of people deciding which records count and which don’t—especially when those records belong to someone who challenges the status quo. It’s actually kind of impressive how predictable this is.”
As for Lia Thomas herself, she appears to be handling the erasure in stride. Sources say she is continuing her training, fully aware that no amount of revisionism can undo the fact that she was, in fact, the fastest swimmer in the pool. And at the end of the day, that’s a record no Hall of Fame can ever erase.
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