NCAA Strips Lia Thomas of Medals, Hands Them to Riley Gaines—Activists Declare It ‘Worse Than 9/11’
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In a shocking turn of events, the NCAA has officially stripped Lia Thomas of all medals and titles, returning them to their original owner, Riley Gaines. The decision, which was made after months of public backlash and biological reality setting in, has caused mass hysteria among activists, sports commentators, and gender studies professors nationwide.
ESPN immediately ran a 24-hour emergency special, where a panel of “experts” declared this decision “a threat to democracy, science, and human rights”—despite none of them being able to define the word “woman.” One commentator sobbed on air, insisting, “This is worse than when Tom Brady left the Patriots!”
Meanwhile, colleges across the country held candlelight vigils for “the death of inclusion in sports.” At UC Berkeley, activists gathered to chant, “Biology is a social construct!” while attempting to swim in a campus fountain to protest—but were forced to stop after realizing swimming is actually pretty hard.
Lia Thomas, who had previously dominated NCAA women’s swimming despite barely cracking the top 500 in men’s competitions, issued a statement calling the ruling “a dangerous step backward” before demanding a rematch against Michael Phelps. Sources say Phelps is considering accepting the challenge—on the condition that he gets to race while carrying a dolphin on his back.
Riley Gaines, on the other hand, celebrated by holding an American flag while jet skiing across the nearest available body of water. “I’d like to thank the NCAA for remembering that biology exists,” she said. “And I’d like to dedicate this moment to all the girls who trained their entire lives only to lose to a dude.”
In response to the controversy, the Biden administration issued a statement calling the NCAA’s decision “transphobic, dangerous, and a direct assault on democracy” before vowing to replace women’s sports with an inclusive, gender-neutral event called ‘People Swimming at Various Speeds.’
At press time, feminists who had spent decades demanding protections for women’s sports were reportedly still trying to figure out how to be mad about this.
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