NCAA Strips Lia Thomas of Titles, Declares Riley Gaines Champion—ESPN Calls It ‘Worst Day for Democracy’
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In a shocking move that has sent sports commentators into full meltdown mode, the NCAA has officially stripped transgender swimmer Lia Thomas of her titles and retroactively declared Riley Gaines the rightful champion. Experts say the ruling was so controversial that CNN briefly considered covering sports.
The decision, which came after months of heated debate, has already triggered chaos. College professors are reportedly burning their gender studies textbooks in despair, while Twitter fact-checkers have been seen hyperventilating into brown paper bags. Meanwhile, every single mainstream sports network has released statements condemning the decision—except for NASCAR, which responded with a single thumbs-up emoji.
“We are committed to fairness in women’s sports,” the NCAA announced in a statement, though critics quickly pointed out that the organization only discovered “fairness” five minutes before issuing the ruling.
In response, ESPN analysts held an emergency roundtable, during which one commentator tearfully declared, “This is an attack on democracy itself!” Another panelist suggested renaming the NCAA to the “Nazi College Athletics Association,” while a third expert claimed that the ruling had “set women’s sports back to the Stone Age”—a time when women’s sports did not, in fact, exist.
Lia Thomas, who had previously dominated NCAA women’s swimming despite once being ranked in the 400s in men’s competition, expressed disappointment. “This is a clear example of transphobia,” Thomas stated, before announcing plans to challenge Michael Phelps to a 1v1 in order to “prove once and for all that gender is a social construct.”
Riley Gaines, who had long been outspoken about fairness in women’s sports, responded to the announcement by doing a victory lap in a speedboat decorated with an American flag. “I’d like to thank science, common sense, and anyone who has ever passed a biology class,” she told reporters.
Meanwhile, the International Olympic Committee issued a separate ruling, stating that all men’s and women’s sports will now be merged into one category to “ensure inclusivity.” Vegas oddsmakers immediately placed bets that the next women’s Olympic 100m sprint final would feature nine men and one very optimistic high school girl.
At press time, feminists who once claimed “the future is female” were reportedly struggling to explain why that future should now include men.
Leave a Reply