“Megan Rapinoe Buys One-Way Ticket Out of America, TSA Throws Farewell Party”
In a shocking turn of events that has shaken the nation (or at least a handful of Twitter users), soccer star and activist Megan Rapinoe has reportedly booked a one-way ticket out of the United States, vowing never to return.
“I just can’t anymore,” Rapinoe allegedly sighed while stuffing her carry-on with protest signs and purple hair dye. “This country has tested my patience for the last time.”
Sources close to Rapinoe say she spent hours meticulously choosing a destination that aligns with her values. Early contenders included Canada, New Zealand, and a feminist commune in the Swiss Alps. However, after realizing that global inequality and differing opinions exist in most parts of the world, she briefly considered Mars before settling on an undisclosed location with “better vibes.”
TSA agents at the airport, recognizing Rapinoe, reportedly threw her an impromptu farewell party, complete with a security pat-down and a free bottle of water (after confirming it was under 3.4 ounces). One agent was overheard whispering, “She’ll be back when she sees the price of oat milk abroad.”
As the plane took off, political commentators immediately seized the moment, with some celebrating her departure as a victory for patriotism and others mourning the loss of yet another athlete willing to take a knee against injustice. Meanwhile, a group of soccer moms were seen quietly googling, “Who is Megan Rapinoe?”
At press time, Rapinoe’s flight had been delayed due to unforeseen turbulence—both in the air and in the comment sections across social media.
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