BREAKING: Andy Reid Cracks Down on Anthem Kneeling, Announces Five Suspensions, and Implements Mandatory Patriotic Drills
In a shocking turn of events, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid has taken a firm stand against players who “persistently disrespected” the national anthem, suspending five players for the entire next NFL season. “I’ve had enough of this nonsense,” Reid declared while holding a plate of barbecue ribs, his voice thick with both conviction and tangy Kansas City sauce.
According to sources inside the Chiefs’ locker room, Reid has implemented a series of mandatory “Patriotism Drills,” including a rigorous course in synchronized standing, a daily pledge recital, and a three-hour film study of bald eagles soaring majestically over American landscapes. Players will also be required to sing “God Bless America” before every practice, with a full performance review from a panel of military veterans, country singers, and at least one bald eagle trainer.
One unnamed player, who is now serving an indefinite suspension, reportedly tried to explain that the protest was about police brutality and racial injustice, not the flag itself. But before he could finish, Reid blew his whistle, threw a challenge flag, and declared, “That argument has been overturned upon further review.”
The NFL has yet to comment, though league insiders suspect Commissioner Roger Goodell is quietly evaluating whether to introduce Reid’s policy league-wide—right after he finishes counting this year’s record-breaking TV revenue. Meanwhile, Jerry Jones has already announced a similar policy for the Dallas Cowboys, but with an added requirement that all players salute a giant oil rig before kickoff.
As for the suspended players, their future in the league remains uncertain. But one thing is clear: from now on, the only kneeling in the NFL will be during pregame prayers, post-touchdown celebrations, and, of course, when players propose to their supermodel girlfriends.
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